M contacted me on AIM last night. I have thought about him occasionally since I broke off contact with him a while ago. Most of those thoughts ended with a cringe. Speaking to him brought back memories I wish it hadn't. Memories of a time in which I was less responsible and more open to illegal avenues of psychedelic exploration. It also brought back memories of our physical relationship. Having another human being always in close proximity is something that I miss, but I don't want him back or miss his personality. He's still the same, a slacker and scary-smart, and I can see in that something I used to be, want, and love. What he's doing in his life now frightens me, though, and he is no longer attractive. Oddly, I felt the tiniest twinge of what one might call jealousy when he told me he slept beside another girl. He didn't fuck her, but it's closer than I've gotten or even tried to get. I'm not entirely sure if the jealousy was residual girlfriend possessiveness or if I'm actually jealous that he's experiencing more than I am. What I do know is I really desperately miss sleeping with someone I love who loves me. I wish MC was closer. I miss sex. There's absolutely no pleasure like what someone other than myself can give me. I'm so picky, though. I don't want sex without a relationship, love, and trust. I don't want a relationship that isn't going to be very long-term. There are reasons I haven't begun dating. One of them is first impressions. I meet a guy and the first judgement I make of him is based on his looks. If he's not good looking, I don't want him. If he is, I automatically assume nothing worthwhile might come from that relationship. In the event I do go beyond looks, I generally end up disappointed by the brain behind them. My roommate wagers the reason I have a history of meething my lovers via the internet is because I don't trust myself to be with someone who wont hurt me otherwise. Communication textually means I have a long time to determine whether or not the person is an asshole before I open my heart and legs to him. Perhaps he's right.

B pries a lot, though. He's interested in people and their business and thinks we place too much importance on privacy. I don't agree with his opinions on this subject. He seems to think the only reason people keep information private is because they're embarassed. I just don't feel as though every single facet of my life needs to be there on the surface. I'm not ashamed, but it's also not really any of your business. Privacy is important to me in particular because mine was invaded and revoked so many times when I was a teenager. My mother used to say I was not entitled to it when I was living under her roof.

I don't like self-pity, but I just feel so stupid right now. After what happened with M and the years of pining and pain caused by our long-distance relationship, I've gone and fallen for another man who lives even further away. And now, like last time, I'm not certain where my priorities lie. Intuitively I know they should lie with love, but there is a more practical part of me that abhors any perceived inconvenience. What I won't do this time is allow it to depress me. If I'm going to love, this time I'm going to only love and not hurt, too.

I think that it was one of the bigger problems with me and M. The relationship became saturated with so much hurt before we ever even really got to be with one another that it may have alrady been irreparably damaged before we lived together. Then the hurt continued. We weren't sure how to behave otherwise. Just be happy and love one another? What? That's crazy talk.

I'm dying to play house with a man again. Dying to be someone's lover, wife...eventually a mother. Yeah. That's my goal. Domestic goddess. I don't tell my peers this. No one ever takes it seriously. It's not considered any kind of ambition by most of them, even though raising children is one of the most important things. My goal, however, relies heavily on someone other than myself. That just makes it that much more difficult, something I have to actively work for, much the same as a career.

I'm just now realizing something I've never thought before... I am attractive to the opposite sex. So maybe it's not that difficult to find the other person I need for my ideal scenario to work out. I'd love it if MC could be that person, but I have to eliminate the hesitant part of me that is too afraid of the distance and of allowing love to envelop me again.

It seems so simple in text.

I have a difficult time thinking of myself as attractive. I compare myself to other women often. I find aspects of my looks dissatisfactory in many of my observations. I have issues with complexion, feature size and shape, breast size, dress size, hair shine and body, body hair visibility, and hand size and shape. More often than not I find these aspects inferior to my perception of what is truly attractive. I suppose most people are not as critical of others as I am of myself, but this is a key reason I am not more social than I already am. I don't want the attention of more than a few people; I don't want to have to cope with being the object of a pursuit that is not mutal. Mutual pursuits with me are few and far between; however, since I became single, more and more people seem to be finding me attractive. It puts me ill at ease because I'm used to either not being noticed at all or only by one person with whom I am in a committed relationship.

Fortunately, confidence is easy enough to fake.