I get really pissed off when I read people are leaving Diaryland for some other blogging community. I've kept a Diaryland diary (not this one) since I was 16. I'm 21 now, twenty days away from being 22.

Last night, B told me he's trying to convince two of his friends to go back to school. I couldn't help but think him mentioning this was some kind of subtle nudge in my direction, too. I dropped out of college after my first year and I have not looked back.

He's about to have a master's degree.

If anyone could inspire me to return, it's him, but I can't even afford to go the junior college here. Just taking two or three classes would put me irreparably in the hole, and it's not like I have family members willing or able to back me financially.

I wasn't privileged to begin with, and I threw away what chance I had.

All for a boy.

Yes, I will blame my failings on M. If I hadn't been in that relationship with him, if I hadn't agonized over "oh god I miss him so much I just want to sit in front of the computer and chat instead of going to class," if I hadn't let all the little fights we had during that time drag me down into the deepest, darkest depression of my entire life, I would probably have a bachelor's degree and possibly be teaching English to high school or college students.

Instead I work in a coffee shop and act like I'm somehow better than all the people who come in and probably do have degrees because being mean and spiteful gives temporary solace from this big, ridiculous world that confuses and frightens me pretty much consistently.

It's really hard to fall asleep at night.

B tells me I'm actually not as bad a person as I tend to make myself out to be.