B sleeps with his mouth wide open, and I even love his weird creamed-corn-scented night breath.

But I hate insomnia.

That latte at 9 probably didn't help my plight one bit.

So I was thinking owning a bird sanctuary would be pretty cool.

Or, like, maybe just a pet crow. B says he doesn't think carrion birds take well to being kept as pets, but what does he know.

And here, take this quiz. Alter or ignore questions where applicable if you do not have the privilege of being a minor cog in the vast corporate machine that is the coffee industry.