Everybody seems to have this need to be loved unerringly by friends and family.

I guess I probably erred a lot today.

Both of my roommates invited me to Thanksgiving dinner with their families because I didn't go home to be with mine. Rather than picking one over the other, I opted to spend the day with my friend S.

Things went downhill quickly, and I'm hesitant to assign blame to anyone. The little intricacies of the interactions between myself and people I know can get so complicated. Everyone is at fault somehow.

I'm most inclined, however, to say that S, as is customary, blew things a bit out of proportion.

I quit smoking pot. I wanted to quit smoking pot. My choice in doing this has little to do with any individual other than myself.

Yes, it is true one of my roommates does not approve of drug use.

It is equally true that I have a lot of respect for him and his opinions.

S intended to obtain some green from a friend tonight, in the parking lot outside our complex.

Suffice to say my roommate found out and let me know he did not care for that. I passed the message along to S.

At this juncture approximately she made a snide comment about my ex and then another about me being controlled by new men in my life.

She could've just as easily carried out the original plan anyway.

In short, there's a reason I spend most of my time in my bedroom, not elbow deep in other people's shit.

It seems inevitable, when I know someone, I know all the complicated yet idiotic bullshit they make prevalent in their lives.

I don't care about any of this. I don't see why I should have to. I don't see why they should either.

What I'm trying to say is, I think I'm starting to dislike my best friend.

This is exceptionally difficult for me. Most of the people who have heard tell, or born witness to her shenanigans would not find it hard to tell me to drop her.

It's just hard for me to get comfortable with people. So hard, in fact, that once I do, I let tons and tons of ridiculous shit that would drive a normal person mad slide.

I need simplicity. Friends, acquaintances complicate things in the worst way, probably without even knowing it.

And then there are the ones who are malicious, who do know what they're doing when they alter the truth just the tiniest bit. Or maybe they flip it completely, so you can't ever get the story straight as it varies from party to party.

There are two such people in my life, two people who are very close to me. Two people I need to be able to trust, because of the closeness, but I can't.

I know better than that. Trusting people like that gets you into their shit and it's hard to get out.

I'm kind of looking forward to the lease being up. I need to live alone. Or at least with someone who will leave me alone.

Hopefully alone.

I bought a fish today. His name is Pilgrim. He's a Thanksgiving betta.

I don't know why I'm worried about losing friends. I already can't trust my best friend, so I don't really have a way to get lonlier.

I haven't been crippled by it in a while, but I can sense the feeling creeping up on me.

Why does everybody turn out to be a disappointment?