I don't know how it happened--Sunlight and I. I just wish everybody wouldn't fall in love with me. I'm just another asshole. I'm weird. I'm not different. I can't even stick with my own convictions lately.

It tears me up so much inside to do anyone harm--emotional or otherwise. I'm concerned, however, even though I can feel this empathy, I cannot feel love. What I once understood to be love has been revealed--or perhaps altered by experience--to be a feeling I'm only capable of having in the presence of the person I supposedly care for. Am I bitter now? Will I ever feel love again, or am I doomed to feel only a ghost-emotion--a mirror of what I imagine others feel for me?

Imitation is a useful survival mechanism. B has a certain expertise in that field. It's no wonder we get along.

I wonder what he does feel for me. I don't wonder out of a need to be loved. I'm more or less curious, if things ever stop between us, as to whether or not I'm going to have to handle more I-hurt-someone guilt. I can't get hurt by being abandoned or unloved if my feelings for him are mirror anyway.

This is kind of a good thing. I'm not afraid of being hurt anymore. I was crippled by my relationship with M because, for a long time, I thought I couldn't live without him. I know now there is no human on earth (apart from me) who can do me lasting emotional harm. No one completes me but me.

Whether it's mirror emotion or not, I love B. I want us to last as long as possible. There are a couple things about our relationship that aren't to my liking, and I'm not sure if I can expect any change. The public affection thing is my main concern at this juncture, in particular what he said about it seeming possessive. I want to be possessed by my mate. Despite what I did to Sunlight, I keep only one lover at a time. I expect the same of the one I'm with. I'd absolutely GLOW if he'd just drape an arm around my shoulders when we walk places. I delight in the idea of him seething at the thought of another man desiring me.

I'm not a crazy jealous person. I understand what is and what is not a threat. B can carry on with girls all he likes because I trust that I'm the only one he has any intention of bedding. I display that confidence in public in several ways. He, however, is loath to display it at all.

I don't know where this is going to take us in the future. He knows my thoughts and I know his. Either compromise will be made on his part or mine. Selfish creature that I am, I'm hoping he will be the one to compromise.

I know better than to judge a relationship by what I see in its future. Until one of us is unhappy in the present, we're doing absolutely peachy.