B and I have been "dating" for a month as of today. I haven't given a great deal of thought to the start of our relationship. Suffice to say, it was kind of weird. I was his main source of support after L dumped him. He was over it in a matter of days. What truly upset him about their end was the way his parents felt about the ordeal. They'd expected L to be their daughter-in-law.

When he told me he was over her, I didn't believe him. His actions spoke otherwise. He was mopey. He spent extensive amounts of time chatting with me in my room.

In retrospect, all that talking was probably because he likes me. In a few days, I came to understand more about him than I'd learned in an entire ten months of living with him. During those ten months, we became best friends. I'd been attracted to him, but not on a serious level, since I moved in. During those few weeks after L said goodbye, I finally had the opportunity to allow that attraction to thrive.

Well, sort of.

I was wrestling with my attraction to Sunlight. As sweet as he is, and I said this when I first started dating him, there's not enough we have in common for that relationship to be truly fulfilling. When the novelty of him wore off, the relationship would've fallen apart. I walked into it knowing I was probably going to have to hurt him in a few months. It turned out to be a few weeks, but sooner was probably better.

I had to wrestle even harder the night that B first tried to kiss me. He and IR and I had played Edward Fortyhands (which if you don't know is a game where you tape 2 forty ounce bottles of beer to your hands and try to drink them faster than your friends) that night, and we were far too drunk to be making wise decisions. So I said, "No, no. I can't do this. I have a boyfriend," and that was that.

Until the next night at least.

This time we were sober, but the story was the same. We talked for miles, hung out, and then he tried to kiss me.

I thought about it and I dared myself to kiss back. Get what you want, I thought. The world went upside-down. We had sex. It was fantastic.

Most of the guilt I feel for the Sunlight situation is the fact that I didn't break up with him before this happened. I had sex with B while Sunlight and I were still dating. Granted I did end the relationship right then and there the next time I saw him, but I can never take back the fact that I cheated on someone. It was one of those things that I was certain I would never let myself do.

Sunlight was the first outside B and I to know about our relationship. I told MC next, and I still feel certain, despite any of what he says, that he's lost respect for me over this. He'd formed a mental image of B and his behaviors which was highly non-synonymous with my own perception. The fact that I'd been attracted to B at all came as a huge surprise to him.

After that, B and I meditated on a non-awkward way to advertise our relationship to our roommate, IR. Though it was unannounced between us, we knew it wasn't going to turn out pretty because IR is close friends with L. He ratted us out, we were lectured, blahdy blah, and the rest is history.

With the big dramaworms mess of our first week all cleared away, being B's girlfriend has been been a blissful experience.

Also, for those of you who are thinking I am his rebound woman, knock it off. You are not right.

Other musings:

Last night, B said to me, "I love you. You don't know how much." I have been thinking about this all morning. It implies his love for me reaches beyond my ability to comprehend it. A phrase carrying that much weight sends a very powerful message to the recipient, and I suppose the intent is to force an attempt at understanding just how much you mean to that person. It also forces introspection along the vein of just how much they mean to you. Would B be able to comprehend how much I love him?

He's smart as hell; I think so.

I told him I loved him, too, and I gave him a kiss and snuggled in to try and sleep.