I am still there. I don't feel very good. I haven't for several days. I've been tired and mopey and quick to anger. I've nearly bitten B's head off at least once per day for the past week or so. I know he's got to be sick of me. All I want is to come home and feel joy, or at the very least contentment, that seems out of reach while I'm at work.

I want to find something to do that doesn't make me miserable, something I can live off of for now. I like the coffee shop. It fits my personality but is a terrible financial fit.

This is how I know I'm distracted: I messed up two sudoku puzzles in a row today.

Can't fall asleep, can't wake up.

I shouldn't be saying this, but I really don't even want to go home for Christmas.

I wish my mom and brother would visit me instead of the other way around.

Too much of my mom makes me just want to put the 400 miles back between us. There was a vast improvement in our relationship after I moved out.

I'm going to be at their house from Sunday to Thursday. The 23rd to the 27th. Granted most of the 23rd will be spent driving, and I'll only be at the house in the morning on the 27th, but it's still days, and nights, away from B. It's still that disheveled and disintegrating old house.

The carpet in front of the couch has the texture of ancient gum.

It's a trashy redneck house that never gets cleaned and it's the last place on Earth I want to be, yet I feel a sense of obligation. My mom loves me.

I have to pay for my crimes (however minor, still hateful) as a teenager. I can get by if I consider this atonement.

I'm flying back here when I'm done. Mom wants to see me so badly, and wants so badly for V to get my old Nissan, that she's buying the plane ticket back down so I can drive the Nissan up and leave it for him.

She's even sending me gas money for the trip up there.

Neither of us can really spare it.

I may have a problem with overthinking things. It's funny. I take everything that doesn't upset me completely at face value.

And I'm 22 years old and I still can't figure myself out most of the time.