For years, the Christmas season has depressed me somewhat, but I've finally been defeated.

I cannot remember a Christmas when I felt so inadequate, incompetent, pathetic, ugly, and overall miserable.

I sat in the bathroom and cried for twenty minutes just now while B and friends were in the living room playing Rock Band.

Why did I cry? Because I never told him what I wanted for Christmas, G, my other roommate, paid my rent for January. He wasn't included in my Christmas budget. I got him a card.

I am relieved that I don't have to worry if I'm going to have $460 to give to B at the beginning of January, but every other part of me is disgusted with myself.

I want this to be over.

I go home tomorrow, but before that I'm having lunch with B's parents. They probably have gifts for me.

I didn't get them anything. B insists that I should give his mom one of the portraits of me I got for the rest of my family as card fillers; he says she'd go apeshit and love it.

It's a fucking picture.

And sometime soon I have to swallow my pride and ask G what he wants to replace the IOU I wrote in his Christmas card.

Thought about cutting my wrists in the bathtub earlier. Decided against it since I was irrationally upset and I don't actually want to die. I just want to go into hiding for a while.

Maybe going to Mom's will take care of that.